Day 28

I think (fingers crossed) the roller-coaster ride is over. Thank God. That said, some days I still feel like I may need a higher dosage. But not every day is going to be good, I have to remind myself. And I'm pretty sure if I had a higher dosage, I'd probably turn into a zombie. I like the fact that I still feel like myself...Without the bouts of wanting to curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day. Or, overthinking and analyzing until I drove myself insane. 

Don't get me wrong. I still have some days where it's best if I keep my mind occupied. Like yesterday, for example. I had a cruel dream that I knew would keep popping into my head if I didn't distract myself. It worked for the most part. Can't JUST rely on the meds, after all. I'm a big proponent of helping yourself in any way you can.

Day 21

 This week has been...stressful. We've been busy, my phone took a dump, my pills weren't helping much for most of the week...Fun times. Besides my music, what I miss most on my phone is the notepad. I write everything down there because it's convenient: grocery lists, stories, what's bothering me so my head doesn't explode. As long as it's going to be before I get a new screen for my phone, I'm probably going to have to give in and write my thoughts down elsewhere. Maybe I'll just do it on my laptop since I can type insanely fast anyway. lol

 So, the pills. Again, I'm hoping they're just working themselves out still. They were absolutely not helping with the intrusive thoughts for most of the week. They seem to be getting their shit together again now, thank God. It was getting a bit rough. I was driving myself crazy. Plus, now that I know what it's SUPPOSED to be like, losing control over your thoughts isn't a good feeling. 

I also need to stop trying to dissect why people do the things they do and act the way they act. It'll drive a person crazy. I also need to work on letting things go. Perhaps things I shouldn't be letting go, but hey, I'm a pushover and hate confrontation. So I'll just unhealthily shove my irritations to the back burner until they eventually catch on fire and go away.

Day 18

God, I hope today is a better day than yesterday. The meds still staved off the worst of each, but yesterday was the roughest day I've had since I started the wellbutrin. Good ole intrusive thoughts were getting the best of me, then turned extra dark at night. Super negative self-talk. I was having a hard time fighting the apathy, but I won out in the end. I still managed to get the materials ready for some crafts and applied to a couple of writing jobs online. Like I said, the pills help with the worst of bad feelings still, but I really had to make myself do those things instead of curling up in bed, letting the intrusive thoughts run free, and feeling sorry for myself.

I'm still not feeling all sunshine and rainbows this morning. I suppose that's to be expected. I'm still in one of my rare "I don't feel like talking moods."...Which figures because we are going all the places today. It's Wednesday, library day. I also told the kids I would take them to the park before that if they get their school done in a decent amount of time. I'm also finally going to go to the gym today. Between camping and being sore from playing basketball with my oldest this weekend, it's been almost 2 weeks since I've been. Yikes. Maybe that's part of my problem too...

Day 17

Having kind of a rough day. My moods have been kind of off the past few days. Was kind of sad/down Sunday. Which is the normal day of the week for that, though I at least wasn't dwelling on John going back to work. That's the reason I'm usually in a mood on Sundays. Yesterday, I was in kind of a pissy mood in the morning. Today, the negative thoughts are returning. (Temporarily, hopefully.) Just feeling lonely. You know, the usual when I'm by myself at night.

I keep joking but not that I "just" need a single friend who can hang out on whims, come over for no reason other than to keep me company. Then I realized earlier that it's friendships like I had in school that I'm looking for. But that's not the way the world works, is it? Not as an adult. You can't have that kind of friendship. People are busy, have to tend to their own families, etc etc. We don't have time or energy for each other any more. And thinking about all of this is pretty sad and depressing, really. Something you can never get back or have again. Sigh...

Day 15

I have GOT to get the insomnia under control. It's...bad. I've been getting up at 5:20 most days, unless I manage to keep myself up late. Like, really late. But even the days I CAN manage to fall back asleep, I flop around like a fish. The sleep deprivation is getting to me. Even the days I sleep well, I'm still tired from trying to play catch up. 

Everyone always likes to recommend melatonin for sleep. I don't need help falling asleep. I need help staying asleep. And melatonin makes me groggy the next day. Don't need any help in that department either. Is there such a thing to help you stay asleep without making you groggy?

Day 13

The intrusive thoughts are creeping in again. Still not terrible, but more than they were when I first started taking the pills. Thing is, it's about one thing in general, most of the time. Again, I'm hoping this isn't the new norm. But, I also can't help but wonder, if it's just me letting my guard down on them. I haven't exactly been great about shooing them away. Maybe I WANT to let certain ones in. Idk. I sound a little crazy, don't I? But, can you really be THAT crazy if you THINK you're crazy?

Day 11

Went to bed WAY too early against my own better judgment, but we were camping, I had woke up early that day too, and I was tired. I still got 7 hours of sleep, which is more than I have been getting. I still find it ironic that my insomnia was getting better until I started taking these pills...You know, because insomnia is a common depression symptom?

My intrusive thoughts have been getting worse again the past few days. I don't know why. Been taking my pills regularly like a good girl. Maybe it's like the doctor said and the anxiety might get worse before it gets better? I guess we'll see...

Day 7

Ugh. I think the pills are causing my most recent bout of insomnia. To be fair, I'm sure the extra cup of coffee late yesterday didn't help. But, I've been waking up around 6 again the past three days. I actually woke up the first time at 4:30 today! Hopefully that resolves itself soon.

I have also noticed that I seem to have one of the other common symptoms too: constipation. :/ Needless to say, that hasn't been much fun either.

I'm also not a huge fan of my thoughts upon waking. You know, before I've taken my meds. It's the same garbage that has plagued me for months. It's one thing in particular, which I don't care to share, but it's super annoying. I look forward to getting to a point where I DON'T think about that first thing in the morning.

Other than those two things, everything seems to be going well. Again, I'm loving this renewed interest and motivation in things. I got a new book from the library yesterday and started on making Christmas ornaments for the market. I'm both looking forward and dreading the baking part. It will be fun because Ripley is excited about it and helping me. But, it's going to be a loooong day on my feet. I hurt when I have to stand without moving much. 

Today, I'm going to play with the electric saw and wood burner for some different ornaments. More excited to use the wood burner than I have any right to be. It's probably been around a year since I've used it. I don't know why I like it so much, but I do. Lol 

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Woopsie. Soooo I accidentally took an almost 4 hour nap. 😳 I started nodding off while reading around 5. John was in the bath, so I figured I'd just lay down while I waited for him to get out since I need to take a shower. I woke up at 8:45, just in time to tuck the kids into bed. :/ 

I woke up the first time last night at 4:30. Ugh. I fell back asleep until 7:30, though I didn't feel like I slept great. Didn't feel all that tired during the day. Just kind of caught up to me this afternoon. I can't believe I took a nap for that long...And, again, that this isn't the new norm with the insomnia.

Day 6

I have lots of things to do today...Since I actually feel like doing things again! So, I thought I'd REALLY put myself out there and share some poetry I wrote in some of my...darker...moments. For those of you who REALLY know me, yes, I write poetry again. No, I'm not promising it's good, but it's real. :P

Darkness

In the dark of my room

I let in the gloom.

Finally, free to let go.

Tired, exhausted, 

Of feeling things

I shouldn't. 

I let the all-consuming sadness,

The loneliness,

Wash over me.

Nagging thoughts ruminating, 

Gnawing,

Like termites in the back of my mind.

A few tears escape,

All I can muster

From the dredges.

Dead inside

And too emotional

All at the same time.

I close my eyes.

The sweet reprieve of sleep

Finally finds me.

Medication

Oh, medication...

Make me stop caring

About stupid, trivial things.

Oh, medication...

Numb the painful feelings

Into oblivion.

Oh, medication...

Help me quit chasing

The unattainable.

Oh, medication...

Help me react normally,

Think normally. 

Oh, medication...

Quiet the racing thoughts

That never end.

Oh, medication...

Dull the lonely ache

In my heart.

Oh, medication...

Just help me feel 

Normal again.

Day 5

It feels good to get excited about things again. I got a wild hair and decided we should try to sell some goodies at the Christmas market in town this year. The only thing is, I have to have my ServSafe food handler certification. (Which I also need if I want to sell at the farmer's market next year, so it works out.) 

It's online, so, I worked on that with a single-track mindedness while I worked out, at basketball practice, and after the kids went to bed. I ALMOST got done before I started nodding off. -_- I hate that. I had the same thing happen the night before with a book I was reading. Only had 20 pages left, but couldn't keep my eyes open. So I finished that today too. I also played around with some felt Christmas ornaments yesterday. Now, if I could just get motivated to do what little paid writing work I have! :P Good thing it's not really due for two weeks and my "boss" doesn't seem to care much lately anyway.

Day 4

Not really anything to report today. It was a good day. Wore a new dress and actually felt good about how I looked. Not too much nitpicking at my insecurities. ;) 

The intrusive thoughts were tame today...which is REALLY surprising since it was a library day and I had to socialize whether I wanted to or not. Socializing usually increases the intrusive thoughts and overthinking. I guess everyone's are different. Mine aren't busy thinking of ways my family could die, like some people's. Instead, mine worry over social interactions and relationships. For example: 

Would this person think this meme is funny? Have I already sent them too many things today? Am I driving them nuts?

-Or-

Should I have said that to that person? That was kind of a weird thing to say, wasn't it? They probably think I'm a huge weirdo now if they didn't already...which is fair because I AM. Dang it! I should have said this instead when we were talking about that one thing. Duh!

That was my brain before the meds. Super fun. Now, I don't have those thoughts (much) and don't really give a shit and it's great. 

Day 3

Last night was...interesting. Instead of dwelling too much on intrusive thoughts, I instead got pissed off about realizing how much time I had wasted on overthinking and intrusive thoughts over the past half year or so. I also started feeling stupid again over WHAT was the main theme of those thoughts. 🙄 Feeling stupid is one of my least favorite feelings. 

Feeling better this morning. Woke up super early because I went to bed way too early. I was bored and a little blah thinking about all that time I had wasted last night, like I said. I did read a little in bed to distract myself. Anyway, needless to say, I took my first pill like 3 hours earlier than I have been. 😬 Hopefully it works out. Keeping myself happy listening to Queen while working out. Why did I never think of them before for upbeat music?! Duh!

I don't know if I'm also having one of my manic days, it's the pills, it's Halloween (my favorite holiday), or a combination thereof, but I am wired today. I really wanted to do some running at the gym, but didn't want to wear myself out before trick-or-treating later, especially since I woke up early too. Like, I made myself do less time on the bike too. 

Because I took my pill so early, I started getting the intrusive thoughts at bed time since the second one was wearing off. This is probably going to sound crazy, but I've just been treating them like children that don't know better...because they basically are. Tell the thoughts to stop, redirect them elsewhere. You get the idea. 

Oh! I've been forgetting a total random side effect I discovered the hard way: This particular medicine makes you pee more. The first day I was pissing like a race horse, wondering, "What the hunk? Is this medicine a diuretic too?" Evidently!