Backstory

Hi there. Thanks for stopping by. If you don't know me in real life, you should know...things are bound to get weird around here. Don't say you weren't warned...

So, what the fuck is the point of this blog? (You should also know I curse like a sailor.) In a nutshell, I have been having mental health issues that I've been putting off for too long and just started taking antidepressants again. Like, today. (10/29/23) I thought it might be a good idea to keep track of how they're making me feel. Plus, maybe, just maybe, someone out there might benefit from reading about my struggles. Misery loves company and all that.

Shall I start at the beginning? (If you're not into backstories, feel free to skip ahead.) I had depression in high school. A lot of it probably stemmed from the fact that I broke up with my year-long boyfriend after discovering he was a pathological liar. I (stupidly) thought I was going to marry him, so it was rough, even though I'm the one who called things off. (I might also be a bit of a die hard romantic.) 

Anyway, I started cutting myself, my mom found out, went to the doctor, got antidepressants. I think it was Prozac, for what it's worth. Helped for about a year. Then it didn't seem like it was doing anything one way or another and stopped feeling like myself, so I went off of them on my own. I know. Bad idea. I'm stubborn like that.

Now here we are again. I've had seasonal depression for years. Mind you, I've never been formally diagnosed, but the signs are pretty easy to spot and I'm not an idiot. It's been getting worse the past few years. I almost gave in and got medicated for it last year because I felt like I was going crazy, but again, I'm stubborn. And I also hate taking medicine. Like, I won't even take painkillers unless something is pretty bad. 

On top of that, work has been practically non-existent the past year. That's a whole story in and of itself. I work from home as a freelance writer in my free time. Not only have I always loved writing, it helps my brain from feeling like it's turning to mush as a stay-at-home homeschool mom. Plus, the extra money is nice. Sorry. WAS nice. Anyway, it also kept my brain occupied at night while John was at work. Nights can be rough for me being alone. Well, let's just say without work to keep my brain busy, nights are fucking horrible now. This is embarrassing to admit, but I get extremely lonely. The whole not having many friends to begin with and not wanting to bother them while THEIR spouses are home in the evenings doesn't help either. And, because of my anxiety and tendency to overthink and dwell on things, well, that just makes things even worse.

Aaand on top of that, I've been dealing with a part of myself I haven't had to deal with for a very long time. It's something I don't like about myself because it serves me no good, but I can't change it. I'll leave it at that. Not sure I'm ready to reveal ALL of my secrets. 

So, all that mixed together and suffice it to say, the past half year or so has been a nightmare. I'm tired of feeling things I don't want to feel. I'm tired of my thoughts running rampant. I'm tired of my brain dwelling on things against my will. Anxiety and depression are bitches and I can't handle them on my own anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy. So, my stubborn ass is finally doing something about it!