Day 1

Took my first pill this morning. (10/29/23) Funny story. I'm 36-years-old and can't even take an extra strength Tylenol without breaking it in half. So, I opted for the twice a day pills in hopes that they would be small enough for me to swallow because I've seen how big the 150mg ones she was going to give me were. They are small enough. Mission: success. 

Took it around 9am. I would have taken it earlier, but I gloriously got some sleep last night. My sleep has been awful lately. Sometimes I'll sleep my normal length, others I wake up before dawn for absolutely no reason. I have a theory that those are the nights when I've been extra dwell-y and letting things bother me. 

I know it will take a few weeks for it to really make a difference, but I can already tell...Which is fucking wonderful, especially because I'm not a naturally patient person.

Oh. I suppose I should mention what I'm taking, in case anyone is researching options. I'm on 100mg of bupropion (aka Wellbutrin) twice a day. It seemed to have the least amount of side effects from what I've heard from others. I definitely don't want to be gaining weight because I'm still trying to lose weight. There were other things I considered too.

Anyhow, I can already tell a difference. It really started kicking in around 1pm, when I went to the gym. (Yes, I'm one of those weirdos that works out on the weekend too. I'm not serious about a lot of things, but I do take my weight loss/workout routine seriously. It's important to me.) It was actually the perfect environment to "try out". My mind tends to wander. Cue the overthinking and dwelling. Sure, exercising is a great way to burn some anxious energy off, but not great for having too much time to think. 

I had a few intrusive thoughts try to pop up, but my brain quickly shut them down and went elsewhere. You guys have NO idea how weird this is for me! And usually one intrusive thought leads to another. None of that today. Honestly, it's the main thing I was hoping the pills would help with. Other than feeling so goddamn lonely, of course. I'm sure I'll still feel that way sometimes, but hopefully I won't care and it won't effect me like it usually does. I realize how unhealthy that sounds and it probably is. But at this point, I'm just so goddamn tired of feeling and thinking too much. I want to NOT care for a while. I need a break!

On the negative side, I feel a little spacy and tired. That could be partly due to this shit-tastic fall weather, though. It's been cloudy for days and that awful drizzly bullshit that just makes you want to curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. Plus, I forgot to take my vitamin D this morning. Woops. Took it when I got home from working out, but still. I'm feeling a bit "blah" today. I'll take that over one of my full-on, shitacular dark spirals into the abyss.

I'm also having a bit of a hard time focusing/remembering things. Like when my kids were trying to tell me things earlier I was having a hard time recalling what they had said. Hopefully that's not a lasting effect. I don't need any help in the forgetful department! 

I do feel a lot calmer. I never realized JUST how keyed up I am most of the time. Seriously. Good lord. And, like I said, my brain feels a lot calmer. Like a sunny day at the beach instead of being caught inside of a hurricane at sea. 

I think that about covers it. Keep your fingers crossed that this medicine doesn't make my anxiety worse the first couple of weeks. Evidently, some people experience that. No thanks!