Day 28

I think (fingers crossed) the roller-coaster ride is over. Thank God. That said, some days I still feel like I may need a higher dosage. But not every day is going to be good, I have to remind myself. And I'm pretty sure if I had a higher dosage, I'd probably turn into a zombie. I like the fact that I still feel like myself...Without the bouts of wanting to curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day. Or, overthinking and analyzing until I drove myself insane. 

Don't get me wrong. I still have some days where it's best if I keep my mind occupied. Like yesterday, for example. I had a cruel dream that I knew would keep popping into my head if I didn't distract myself. It worked for the most part. Can't JUST rely on the meds, after all. I'm a big proponent of helping yourself in any way you can.

Day 21

 This week has been...stressful. We've been busy, my phone took a dump, my pills weren't helping much for most of the week...Fun times. Besides my music, what I miss most on my phone is the notepad. I write everything down there because it's convenient: grocery lists, stories, what's bothering me so my head doesn't explode. As long as it's going to be before I get a new screen for my phone, I'm probably going to have to give in and write my thoughts down elsewhere. Maybe I'll just do it on my laptop since I can type insanely fast anyway. lol

 So, the pills. Again, I'm hoping they're just working themselves out still. They were absolutely not helping with the intrusive thoughts for most of the week. They seem to be getting their shit together again now, thank God. It was getting a bit rough. I was driving myself crazy. Plus, now that I know what it's SUPPOSED to be like, losing control over your thoughts isn't a good feeling. 

I also need to stop trying to dissect why people do the things they do and act the way they act. It'll drive a person crazy. I also need to work on letting things go. Perhaps things I shouldn't be letting go, but hey, I'm a pushover and hate confrontation. So I'll just unhealthily shove my irritations to the back burner until they eventually catch on fire and go away.

Day 18

God, I hope today is a better day than yesterday. The meds still staved off the worst of each, but yesterday was the roughest day I've had since I started the wellbutrin. Good ole intrusive thoughts were getting the best of me, then turned extra dark at night. Super negative self-talk. I was having a hard time fighting the apathy, but I won out in the end. I still managed to get the materials ready for some crafts and applied to a couple of writing jobs online. Like I said, the pills help with the worst of bad feelings still, but I really had to make myself do those things instead of curling up in bed, letting the intrusive thoughts run free, and feeling sorry for myself.

I'm still not feeling all sunshine and rainbows this morning. I suppose that's to be expected. I'm still in one of my rare "I don't feel like talking moods."...Which figures because we are going all the places today. It's Wednesday, library day. I also told the kids I would take them to the park before that if they get their school done in a decent amount of time. I'm also finally going to go to the gym today. Between camping and being sore from playing basketball with my oldest this weekend, it's been almost 2 weeks since I've been. Yikes. Maybe that's part of my problem too...

Day 17

Having kind of a rough day. My moods have been kind of off the past few days. Was kind of sad/down Sunday. Which is the normal day of the week for that, though I at least wasn't dwelling on John going back to work. That's the reason I'm usually in a mood on Sundays. Yesterday, I was in kind of a pissy mood in the morning. Today, the negative thoughts are returning. (Temporarily, hopefully.) Just feeling lonely. You know, the usual when I'm by myself at night.

I keep joking but not that I "just" need a single friend who can hang out on whims, come over for no reason other than to keep me company. Then I realized earlier that it's friendships like I had in school that I'm looking for. But that's not the way the world works, is it? Not as an adult. You can't have that kind of friendship. People are busy, have to tend to their own families, etc etc. We don't have time or energy for each other any more. And thinking about all of this is pretty sad and depressing, really. Something you can never get back or have again. Sigh...

Day 15

I have GOT to get the insomnia under control. It's...bad. I've been getting up at 5:20 most days, unless I manage to keep myself up late. Like, really late. But even the days I CAN manage to fall back asleep, I flop around like a fish. The sleep deprivation is getting to me. Even the days I sleep well, I'm still tired from trying to play catch up. 

Everyone always likes to recommend melatonin for sleep. I don't need help falling asleep. I need help staying asleep. And melatonin makes me groggy the next day. Don't need any help in that department either. Is there such a thing to help you stay asleep without making you groggy?

Day 13

The intrusive thoughts are creeping in again. Still not terrible, but more than they were when I first started taking the pills. Thing is, it's about one thing in general, most of the time. Again, I'm hoping this isn't the new norm. But, I also can't help but wonder, if it's just me letting my guard down on them. I haven't exactly been great about shooing them away. Maybe I WANT to let certain ones in. Idk. I sound a little crazy, don't I? But, can you really be THAT crazy if you THINK you're crazy?

Day 11

Went to bed WAY too early against my own better judgment, but we were camping, I had woke up early that day too, and I was tired. I still got 7 hours of sleep, which is more than I have been getting. I still find it ironic that my insomnia was getting better until I started taking these pills...You know, because insomnia is a common depression symptom?

My intrusive thoughts have been getting worse again the past few days. I don't know why. Been taking my pills regularly like a good girl. Maybe it's like the doctor said and the anxiety might get worse before it gets better? I guess we'll see...