Day 2

I feel fucking fantastic today. I don't feel drugged up like I did yesterday. I'm sure catching up on sleep helped too. I don't feel quite as apathetic as I did yesterday. I still don't care much about certain things that I was hoping to not care about. But I actually got motivated to take our pumpkin guts out to the chickens and clean and fill their feeder and indoor waterer. I've been meaning to do the latter for a week. 😬 (Don't worry. They still had water out in their yard and John had been tossing them feed in the mornings before work. Not like they were starving to death. We've actually been getting a shitload of eggs!) I even filled their nesting boxes up with more hay! 

My thoughts have been a little more intrusive today and a smidge more dwell-y, but nothing too crazy. I keep telling myself those things don't matter and I don't care and that seems to do the trick. 

I also got the kids started on school early (for us), so we actually *gasp* got done the same time public school kids do! I've majorly been on the struggle bus lately with getting school started at a decent time...or doing it at all some days, to be honest. 

I just feel happier and more upbeat in general today. :) Less worried, less stressed out about things in general.

Day 1

Took my first pill this morning. (10/29/23) Funny story. I'm 36-years-old and can't even take an extra strength Tylenol without breaking it in half. So, I opted for the twice a day pills in hopes that they would be small enough for me to swallow because I've seen how big the 150mg ones she was going to give me were. They are small enough. Mission: success. 

Took it around 9am. I would have taken it earlier, but I gloriously got some sleep last night. My sleep has been awful lately. Sometimes I'll sleep my normal length, others I wake up before dawn for absolutely no reason. I have a theory that those are the nights when I've been extra dwell-y and letting things bother me. 

I know it will take a few weeks for it to really make a difference, but I can already tell...Which is fucking wonderful, especially because I'm not a naturally patient person.

Oh. I suppose I should mention what I'm taking, in case anyone is researching options. I'm on 100mg of bupropion (aka Wellbutrin) twice a day. It seemed to have the least amount of side effects from what I've heard from others. I definitely don't want to be gaining weight because I'm still trying to lose weight. There were other things I considered too.

Anyhow, I can already tell a difference. It really started kicking in around 1pm, when I went to the gym. (Yes, I'm one of those weirdos that works out on the weekend too. I'm not serious about a lot of things, but I do take my weight loss/workout routine seriously. It's important to me.) It was actually the perfect environment to "try out". My mind tends to wander. Cue the overthinking and dwelling. Sure, exercising is a great way to burn some anxious energy off, but not great for having too much time to think. 

I had a few intrusive thoughts try to pop up, but my brain quickly shut them down and went elsewhere. You guys have NO idea how weird this is for me! And usually one intrusive thought leads to another. None of that today. Honestly, it's the main thing I was hoping the pills would help with. Other than feeling so goddamn lonely, of course. I'm sure I'll still feel that way sometimes, but hopefully I won't care and it won't effect me like it usually does. I realize how unhealthy that sounds and it probably is. But at this point, I'm just so goddamn tired of feeling and thinking too much. I want to NOT care for a while. I need a break!

On the negative side, I feel a little spacy and tired. That could be partly due to this shit-tastic fall weather, though. It's been cloudy for days and that awful drizzly bullshit that just makes you want to curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. Plus, I forgot to take my vitamin D this morning. Woops. Took it when I got home from working out, but still. I'm feeling a bit "blah" today. I'll take that over one of my full-on, shitacular dark spirals into the abyss.

I'm also having a bit of a hard time focusing/remembering things. Like when my kids were trying to tell me things earlier I was having a hard time recalling what they had said. Hopefully that's not a lasting effect. I don't need any help in the forgetful department! 

I do feel a lot calmer. I never realized JUST how keyed up I am most of the time. Seriously. Good lord. And, like I said, my brain feels a lot calmer. Like a sunny day at the beach instead of being caught inside of a hurricane at sea. 

I think that about covers it. Keep your fingers crossed that this medicine doesn't make my anxiety worse the first couple of weeks. Evidently, some people experience that. No thanks!

Backstory

Hi there. Thanks for stopping by. If you don't know me in real life, you should know...things are bound to get weird around here. Don't say you weren't warned...

So, what the fuck is the point of this blog? (You should also know I curse like a sailor.) In a nutshell, I have been having mental health issues that I've been putting off for too long and just started taking antidepressants again. Like, today. (10/29/23) I thought it might be a good idea to keep track of how they're making me feel. Plus, maybe, just maybe, someone out there might benefit from reading about my struggles. Misery loves company and all that.

Shall I start at the beginning? (If you're not into backstories, feel free to skip ahead.) I had depression in high school. A lot of it probably stemmed from the fact that I broke up with my year-long boyfriend after discovering he was a pathological liar. I (stupidly) thought I was going to marry him, so it was rough, even though I'm the one who called things off. (I might also be a bit of a die hard romantic.) 

Anyway, I started cutting myself, my mom found out, went to the doctor, got antidepressants. I think it was Prozac, for what it's worth. Helped for about a year. Then it didn't seem like it was doing anything one way or another and stopped feeling like myself, so I went off of them on my own. I know. Bad idea. I'm stubborn like that.

Now here we are again. I've had seasonal depression for years. Mind you, I've never been formally diagnosed, but the signs are pretty easy to spot and I'm not an idiot. It's been getting worse the past few years. I almost gave in and got medicated for it last year because I felt like I was going crazy, but again, I'm stubborn. And I also hate taking medicine. Like, I won't even take painkillers unless something is pretty bad. 

On top of that, work has been practically non-existent the past year. That's a whole story in and of itself. I work from home as a freelance writer in my free time. Not only have I always loved writing, it helps my brain from feeling like it's turning to mush as a stay-at-home homeschool mom. Plus, the extra money is nice. Sorry. WAS nice. Anyway, it also kept my brain occupied at night while John was at work. Nights can be rough for me being alone. Well, let's just say without work to keep my brain busy, nights are fucking horrible now. This is embarrassing to admit, but I get extremely lonely. The whole not having many friends to begin with and not wanting to bother them while THEIR spouses are home in the evenings doesn't help either. And, because of my anxiety and tendency to overthink and dwell on things, well, that just makes things even worse.

Aaand on top of that, I've been dealing with a part of myself I haven't had to deal with for a very long time. It's something I don't like about myself because it serves me no good, but I can't change it. I'll leave it at that. Not sure I'm ready to reveal ALL of my secrets. 

So, all that mixed together and suffice it to say, the past half year or so has been a nightmare. I'm tired of feeling things I don't want to feel. I'm tired of my thoughts running rampant. I'm tired of my brain dwelling on things against my will. Anxiety and depression are bitches and I can't handle them on my own anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy. So, my stubborn ass is finally doing something about it!